A Covid Bedtime Story
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This politically incorrect bedtime book is for everyone living in the time of COVID. Absolutely profane and funny, it embraces the familiar and paranoid woes of making it through a day so you’re able to go to bed for the night.
Fall-on-the-floor funny (from a safe social distance), this book is a great gift for adults of all ages to help them take a deep breath of fresh (COVID-free) air, share a huge belly laugh, or get a good night’s sleep.
I get a lot of fan mail. Today I heard from a single woman who lamented that she hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since early March. Her dating life has been cratered by COVID. She meets someone online, talks to him, video chats with him and then he interrogates her about all human contact in the past two weeks. Then they check the weather report and investigate restaurant capacity for outdoor dining, he overnights her a COVID rapid test, and on their next call, she coughs and the ‘relationship’ is over. She told me that she finally surrendered and threw out all her razors, arranged for a twice-weekly delivery of Rocky Road and Moose Tracks ice cream, and adopted 5 cats.
Then she read my book, and finally slept through the night.
Well, honestly, the same thing I’ve been doing since March: I went on a hunt for dust bunnies, I spent my savings on Amazon, and I became a master mixologist. But eventually I found my way back to this essential work of art.
In my defense, before COVID, I really didn’t curse often, and I had never had a fight with another shopper. (Seriously, that never happened before.) I would like to formally apologize here to Pastor Jim and the management at Main Street Grocers for my outburst, and thank them for letting me keep that last roll of toilet paper.
My life partner, U.R. McNutty, could not have been more supportive. After only ten days into the lockdown, he built me a cell-signal and internet-free she-shed in the backyard so I could be completely undistracted in that writing studio. Even though he’s a master carpenter, his skills must have become a little rusty because I often found that the door automatically locked behind me and more than once, I was stuck in the shed for days, while he was left to fend for himself in the house.
I’m thrilled to offer it to all the gift buyers out there who agree with me that COVID sucks. I hope it will make them happy and help them sleep. More than anything I hope it will become obsolete soon. (Please, soon.)
IVANA B. DUNNE graduated from MI School of Sleep Hygiene and OR Rhyming School for Non-Rhymers. She became inspired to write picture books in verse after years of bedtime-reading to her bewildered neighbors. Now she gets story ideas from her condo association. Her award-winning poetry has been read at the Pandemic Day-Drinkers Book Club, where she received their highest award for poetry: a half-bottle of chardonnay. When she isn’t writing, she loves re-counting her toilet paper rolls in case she counted wrong the first time. She lives with her life partner, condo association board president U.R. McNutty.
WALTER CARZON is an Argentinian freelance artist who designs illustrations, characters, and comics. His team at Walter Carzon studios offers creative services for publishing projects, merchandizing, and advertising.
I. B. Dunne’s Homemade
Pour 2/3 cup of rubbing alcohol to the mixing bowl.
Add 1/3 cup of aloe vera gel.
Stir with spoon or whisk until blended.
Add 10 drops of patchouli oil
(so people will stay at least 6 feet away)
and stir again.
Pour mixture into “hand sanitizer” containers.
Apply liberally after touching surfaces
and whenever people get too close.